


Torn up

by PapilioMachaon



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Accusations, Alternate Universe - kind of, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Confessions, Escort Service, Ex Sex, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Rimming, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-01-22 05:41:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21296306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PapilioMachaon/pseuds/PapilioMachaon
Summary: Die and Kaoru haven't seen each other in almost four years and so much has happened to them both. Did the years that were missed leave too large a gap to fix things between them?
Relationships: Die/Kaoru (Dir en grey)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 33





	1. Among the ruins of the past

**Author's Note:**

> Bruuhhh, it's been a while. Thank God winter is coming and I'll be able to hide behind my computer now to write all this stuff, which is running around my head since .... must be months now.  
Anyway! Actually I'm bad with multi chaptered stories, but I couldn't do a one shot with this one, could I? Would've been toooo boring to reveal the whole story between (and of) Die and Kaoru at once. So, I didn't go in too deep with information for the first chapter 0:-). Feel free to take guesses.

Kaoru slowly raised his gaze when he heard footsteps stopping at his table. At first his eyes took in the sight of skinny legs, encased in black, tight fitting jeans. Legs he remembered so damn well but hadn’t had the pleasure to look at in nearly four years. He remembered those narrow hips, which were now covered by a tailored button-down shirt and he remembered those broad shoulders, which made that man’s figure so goddamn perfect. But Kaoru didn’t remember meter-long, wavy, caramel blond hair, he didn’t remember when was the last time Die looked at him with such a calm expression on his face like he did in this moment. He looked like a statue carved out of stone, cold but breathtakingly beautiful. 

Clearing his throat, he stood up and gestured for the other man to take the seat opposite to him. God, he was as nervous as a teenager on his first date, almost fearing Die could run away every second and that he’d never get a chance to see him again. But his fear was short lived – for now – as the taller man took the offer, seating himself on the wine-red armchair, which looked like it came straight from the baroque era. The golden painted wooden frame on arm- and backrest giving Die a so much more superior look. It made a shiver run down Kaorus spine, though he couldn’t tell if it was the unpleasant kind or not. Fortunately he couldn’t dwell on it too much with the waiter interrupting his train of thoughts, asking them for their choice of beverages and bringing the menu in the same breath. Die was quick to order a glass of the restaurants finest red wine and the older man just asked for a double shot of Tullamore dew whisky. He couldn’t drink beer in a posh place like this, could he? It felt inappropriate.  
With a almost inaudible sigh he took the menu and started to go through the pages. How was he supposed to concentrate on food when all he wanted to do was... well, what exactly did he want to do? Maybe this meeting wasn’t such a great idea after all. He didn’t even make up his mind what to say to the other.

“What are we doing here, Kaoru?” this time it was Dies voice that brought him back to reality once more. The voice he hadn’t heard in years but would recognize it under thousands.  
“It’s exactly what it looks like. We’re having dinner together,” he replied matter-of-factly, raising his gaze again to look at the taller man.  
“You booked the whole evening JUST to sit here with me and have dinner?” Die seemed to be mildly annoyed.  
“Yeah. Is that a problem?” Kaoru closed the menu and put it aside. It wasn’t like he’d already decided on something, no. It was just so damn hard to focus on the words written inside with Die shooting little pieces of information at him. Was he hinting at something with his question?  
“Well, at least you don’t expect me to sleep with you.”

Kaoru startled at that, hitching one eyebrow and eyeing Die for a long moment. Understanding dawned on him that the younger man indeed had been implying something just a minute ago and it made the bandleader furious. He could feel the anger creeping up his heart. The kind of jealous anger that gnawed on you to the point of madness.

“So, booking an all nighter does include this kind of service?” he asked, nonetheless. Maybe to torture himself a little more or maybe to provoke the other man. Die only clicked his tongue, giving Kaoru a small malicious smirk. He leaned back just as the waiter returned with their drinks, interrupting their conversation for some time and taking their meal orders. The next minutes Kaoru felt detached from himself, as if the world around him was foggy, dreamlike, or visually distorted. He asked the waiter for a recommendation, but didn’t really listen to the answer, just taking the first thing which was suggested. When they were finally left alone again, he caught Die staring at him. It felt like a signal that the younger man wasn’t finished with the earlier topic and was just waiting to pick up the conversation. And indeed, when he opened his mouth Kaoru got the answer to his question.  
“Sometimes… if the guy suits my fancy.”  
The bandleader snorted and shook his head. God how he wished not to have asked.

“But seriously, Kaoru. What made you book a whole night of my time after all those years? How did you even know where to find me? And what made you think I’d spend so many hours with you?” The former redheads irritation had left, and he now sounded more curious than anything else. Deep brown eyes stayed focused on him; face framed perfectly by myriads of blond tresses. Jesus Christ, he looked like a doll.

“Why didn’t you go then? When you saw me.”  
“I knew it was you waiting for me at this fancy place. Do you think I don’t check my clients beforehand?”  
“Of course you do.” Kaoru shrugged, reaching for his drink. He then leaned back and propped his elbow on the chair’s armrest, glass of whisky in his hand.  
“So, you came just to ask me why I’d think you’d spend your night with me and how I knew where to find you huh?”

Die let out a little laugh and titled his head slightly. His hand came up to brush away a strand of caramel blond hair from his face, pushing it behind his right ear, fingers trailing down his neck for a second. It looked like he was flirting, but Kaoru knew the taller man long enough to realise that he was messing with him.  
“Maybe,” he finally said before reaching for his glass of wine to take a sip.  
“I’m kinda curious, you know? It’s been almost four years. Did you miss me?”  
The older drew in a sharp breath at that. He didn’t expect Die to ask this kind of thing and he surely didn’t want to answer. Because he would be reminded of those days, years ago, when they laughed and talked to each other, when they loved each other.  
“Every fucking day,” he breathed out so quietly, it was almost drowned out by the background noise in the restaurant.  
“Good.” The former redhead smiled. He didn’t say anything else about it, just took another large swig of his drink, almost draining the glass. Kaoru was glad the topic didn’t go any further, for he had had enough of Dies teasing for now. He downed his whisky just as he noticed the waiter approaching them with their food and asked for another one as soon as the guy was at their table, not even waiting for him to put the plates down at first. He was a thirsty man after all! And the burn of alcohol down his throat was a welcome sensation right at this moment, distracting him from any other feelings. His gaze wandered over his meal, which was stuffed squid with pork, and he tried to remember if this was really what he ordered. 

“By the way, you didn’t have to invite me to this high-end restaurant. You never liked those. Or did you change your mind?” the younger man spoke up again with an slightly amused undertone.  
“No, but you’ve always liked those,” Kaoru replied shortly and started to eat.  
“I don’t ever remember us going to a place like this,” Die pondered while reaching for his own cutlery.  
“Well, you can call it a special day then?” The bandleader was a little proud of his slightly cocky remark. He was sure Dies musings were just another side blow, meant to make him feel bad for all the things he didn’t feel like doing in the past, just for the sake of keeping his ex-boyfriend entertained. Sure, he’d do a great deal of things differently now, given what he’s experienced and learned. But their mistakes couldn’t be changed, and Kaoru did see no reason in dwelling on regrets forever. It only hurt the present. 

He changed the subject then, asking the blonde about his meal, if he wanted another glass of wine or if he had any plans for the next day. Nothing special, just small talk. They didn’t go in too deep, treating each other at least as good as an egg, for their hearts were fragile like feathers. 

The first three hours of the evening went by easily, followed by more drinks and some desserts. So, when the night came to an end both men stood outside of the restaurant, facing one another for a long moment. Dies cheeks were reddened from all the wine he drank during the night and Kaoru thought it was the cutest thing he had seen in a while. The taller man had already liked to drink a couple of glasses of wine years ago when they still were a couple and would always get all red faced after having a certain amount. The bandleader loved to tease him about this, loved to tease him to the point where Die would throw a pillow at him and sulk for the rest of the day. How he missed the good days.

“Come on, I'll bring you home,” he offered quietly but the former redhead shook his head.  
“No. I don’t want my clients to know where I live.”  
Die defined the limits, showed Kaoru his place once again. Yes, he was a client, like so many others, nothing more. He knew what he had gotten himself into, that it wouldn’t be easy, that the younger man would utter hurtful comments and even if he could handle most of them quite good, some still left a bitter aftertaste. After all he wasn’t made of stone.

“Fine then. Thank you for your time.” Maybe this wasn’t the kind of goodbye he would have chosen in the first place, but what was he supposed to say? What did Die want him to do? Sighing Kaoru made a move to leave, but the others tattooed hand shot out in an instant and grabbed onto the sleeve of his jacket.  
“Thank you for your time? That’s it? After years you’re showing up out of nowhere, waste my time with shallow chit chat and I’m supposed to swallow all this just like it’s nothing?”  
The blonde was pissed, Kaoru could tell from the way his grip tightened on his arm, even though his voice stayed calm. But he himself had heard enough tonight, enough provocations to rise his temper. He reached for Dies hand and detached it from his arm. It was strange to touch him after such a long time and not even in the way he would have liked to touch him, but all the same his smooth, warm skin felt so familiar under his fingers.  
“No, I didn’t waste your time. You got payed for it, so what’s the problem? It’s your job, after all…. to keep your client company.”  
Afterwards a heavy silence fell over them, oppressive and dangerous. Both had their own little mental karaoke going on for some time until Kaoru released Dies hand and the younger man backed off a bit.

“Right,” he muttered.  
“You still owe me answers. But that’s for another time. You know how to contact me, so feel free. I have two available dates left for this month.”  
Just like that Dies usual cocky self was back. Thankfully, since it momentarily took the edge off their difficult situation. But it gave Kaoru headaches and he was sure this man meant nothing but trouble. Still, he already knew he would take the risk. How could he not when he wanted to gain a place in the former guitarists’ life again?  
“We’ll see about it,” nevertheless the bandleaders answer didn’t come too enthusiastic, cause that might have given Die too much satisfaction.  
“Sure. See you around then.” It was everything the younger man had to add before giving a little smile, turning around and heading off into the night or rather what was left of it. 

How things would turn out on their second meeting neither could tell.


	2. Heartache to heartache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? It's HARD not to give in to temptation to let them just jump each other like cats in heat. :-/ Heartbroken or not.  
And YES, Die is heartbroken, Kaoru is... well, I myself can't see through him at the moment (but what's for sure is that he IS kinda obsessed with Die :-O). Maybe I'll figure it out what exactly he wants when writing the next chapter. ^^""

Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose delicately, he sighed inwardly at the sight on the screen of his MacBook. There were pictures of Die, every single one tempting in its own way. He held a little smirk in the first, while looking dead serious in the next one, with eyes piercing directly into your very soul. Kaoru scrolled to the third photo, which showed the blonde sitting on some flat surface. The bandleader couldn’t see if it was the floor or something else, with the picture being almost black except for a faint light, showing only certain parts of Dies body. He wore an oversized tank top, which was suggestively sliding off one shoulder, so low you could easily see a bit of one nipple, hands in his lap, one naked leg bent in a basic crossed leg position, the other one up and with the foot placed flat on the floor. You couldn’t even tell if he was wearing any underwear. Kaoru scrolled back up to the top of his profile. To the left of his main photo was a small description, stating his age, measurements, interests and the services he offered. Beneath that was a little text box, meant to be filled with the client’s special wishes. He could only imagine what those wishes might have been, and to be honest, he would’ve rather not thought about it. 

In the past three weeks not one day had gone by without him visiting the page of the escort service Die was working for, browsing through each picture on the former redheads profile. He couldn’t help but wonder how many men had fallen under Dies spell just from looking at his photos like it happened to himself, if a guy had ever fallen in love with him after a date and if his ex-boyfriend had ever made a bad experience with this kind of job. Damn, he was slowly but surely going nuts. Why was it so freaking hard not to constantly think about the younger man, not to imagine all those things that drove him up the wall? Why would someone want to torture oneself with these agonizing thoughts? It had to STOP.

In a sudden rush of fury Kaoru slammed the laptop shut, just as there was a ringing at the door. It came as a blessing and a curse at the same time, cause on the other side of the door stood no other than the reason for his misery. Nevertheless, the bandleader was of course quick to open, coming face to face with a slightly out of breath looking Die. He was holding an umbrella in his right hand, but it didn’t even seem to be wet. Kaoru chose not to comment on this, for he knew when there was one thing Die hated the most, it was rain. No matter if it was just the lightest of drizzles, it always succeeded to darken his mood.

“C’mon,” he then invited the other in, stepping aside for him to enter the apartment. The taller man brushed past him and Kaoru caught a whiff of his cologne. It wasn’t the scent he remembered on Die, but he did like the new one – a mix of sandalwood, vanilla and violet. Well, who would wear the same perfume forever anyway? He himself had changed the brand at least two times in the past four years. The first time actually because he didn’t want to be remembered how the taller man used to press his nose to his neck, murmuring into his shirt how much he loved the fragrance he was using. 

“I almost thought you’d never book another appointment. Took you quite a while, hm?” Die slightly teased while hanging his jacket on the rack and taking off his Gucci sneakers.   
“Couldn’t wait to see me again?” the smaller male asked smirking and with a little touch to the small of Dies back he led him further into the living space of his apartment. There were no external walls, only floor to ceiling glass windows, providing a beautiful panoramic view of the city’s skyline. The former redhead turned to look at Kaoru.  
“Fancy. It’s not possible to see in, right?”  
“No, the glass is tinted on the outside, so you don’t have to worry about being seen with your ex,” the older joked and motioned for Die to take a seat at the dining table.  
“Oh, I’m not worrying. I’m just wondering if your bedroom has got the same exterior glass walls?”  
“Yes.” Why in hell was Die asking that? If this was one of his little games again, then damn him! Kaoru was so not going to tolerate it tonight. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

“Now, will you have dinner with me? I wanted to talk to you and answer your questions,” he quickly switched to another topic and at least got Dies full attention with it, as the blonde straightened up a bit and gave a small nod. The older man smiled curtly, signalled with a little hand gesture for his guest to wait a second and went to the kitchen to fetch some things. It didn’t take him long, only a couple of minutes until everything was set up, a big plate of sushi placed in the middle of the table, a bottle of beer for each of them. They sat opposite each other, just like three weeks ago at the restaurant and fell into a staring contest. It was as if they were taking in every little detail on one another, details that might have changed over the past four years, starting from their hairdo to Dies slightly pale looking lips or Kaorus currently shaved off beard. 

“So… are you going to tell me now or what?” the younger man finally said while reaching for a pair of chopsticks.  
“Like you’d give me any peace if I wouldn’t,” the bandleader sighed, but eventually had to give in, had to spill the details, even with being kind of struck by a sudden surge of nervousness.  
“I kinda squeezed it out of Toshiya, okay?”  
“Should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret forever.” Die shrugged nonchalantly, appearing surprisingly indifferent. He then pushed a piece of sushi between full lips and calmly looked at his former bandmate.  
“It wasn’t his fault, don’t be mad at him. I overheard him talking to you on the phone, so yeah …” Kaoru purposely left the sentence unfinished, since there really wasn’t any more explanation to it.   
“So, you thought it was a good idea to interview him about my life?”  
“Well, he wouldn’t give me your private number, hence I had to get something else, right?”  
“Of course. I wouldn’t be too surprised if you bribed him or something.” The taller male grinned cheekily, though it never reached his eyes.   
“You know, sometimes you have to play a little dirty to get what you want.”   
“You don’t really care for other people’s wishes, do you? There’s a reason why I changed my number after I quit the band.” Dies grin vanished again in a matter of seconds and he was almost glaring daggers at his counterpart now.  
“Would you please stop this? You know it’s not true,” the older bit out through gritted teeth. For fucks sake, this couldn’t be happening. After all those years they were still at each other’s throats in mere seconds. Their conversation was already getting out of hand and seemed to leave behind nothing but frustration and it had only just begun.

“I do? Did you care when I asked you to stay? Did you care when I told you guys, I’d leave the band?”  
“I did,” Kaoru answered with a clear conscience, cause for him, there was absolutely no reason to think about it twice.  
“Yet you never said a word.” Die sounded still accusing and in his eyes was a look the smaller man couldn’t quite define.  
“Die. We couldn’t go on like this, you knew it, I knew it. We probably would have killed each other sooner or later...”  
“That’s bullshit!” the former redhead suddenly interrupted, almost slamming his fist on the tabletop, but containing himself in the last second, grabbing for his beer instead and taking a large swig. It was just too easy to open old wounds that were never meant to be opened again and it felt like they had never really healed in the first place. Die was fuming with anger by now; you could easily tell with how his brows knit together in a tight frown. He was probably mad at himself the most, for asking questions that led to unwanted discussions.

“Maybe we argued a lot but…”  
“Daily. We were HURTING each other. Every. Day.” This time it was Kaorus turn to interrupt, but unlike the former guitarist, he did it calmly, voice low and quiet. He barely got loud, not now, not four years ago and it had always been something that had made Die even more furious.  
“Fine, daily,” the younger threw in and then stopped talking altogether. Only a small sigh passed his lips before he took another piece of sushi from the plate.  
Kaoru instead grabbed for Dies unoccupied hand, squeezing it gently for a second and then releasing him just as quickly. The touch was already gone before the blonde even got a chance to register what happened. 

“I’m sorry,” he mouthed and Die slightly shook his head.  
“Yeah, me too.” He then slowly leaned forward, rested both elbows on the table and clasped his hands together. What followed was a long, intense look at the older man. It made Kaorus skin tingle unpleasantly, made the hair at the back of his neck stand up and he wondered if the other was silently trying to stare him to death now.

“Maybe meeting you wasn’t the best idea after all,” the former redhead finally concluded, almost sounding bored.   
“Then why did you do it?”   
“I don’t know. I guess I was curious and … I liked the idea of you spending your money on me.”  
As provocative as the statement might have been, it made Kaoru laugh.  
“And here I was, thinking you’d run out of cocky replies.”  
“Never.” Die smiled slightly and for the first time it was an honest smile, neither meant to be arrogant, nor meant to insult. The smaller male felt somewhat relieved, but at the same time knew they were still skating on thin ice. Ice which gave way once, making them strive to save themselves and not each other.

“Can I ask you something?” the older carefully raised his voice again after a while and waited for any kind of indication to go on. It came in form of a little nod, barely noticeable.   
“How did you become an… escort?” It felt like a vice was squeezing his chest when he said those words out loud and afterwards, he held his breath for some seconds, daring to hope that it would help to ease the pain inside his heart. But to no avail.

“Ah that. There’s no big story behind this, really. I was sitting in this small café near Yoyogi Park, writing songs when that guy appeared out of nowhere, asking me if I’d be willing to spend some time with one of his many clients and that I’m exactly what he was looking for. So that kinda marked the start of everything.”  
“And you accepted? Just like that? C’mon, you never struck me as the type who would… you weren’t that naïve, were you?” Kaoru sounded disbelieving, almost shocked.  
“No, of course not. What would you think in such a situation?” Die rolled his eyes, brushing away some strands of bleached hair from his face.  
“Probably that he’s some lunatic.”  
“Exactly. So here I was, asking him if this was some kind of joke. I mean, I’m not 20 anymore, right? And he just took a seat next to me, asking me to listen to him for a moment and yeah, I did.”  
“What did he tell you? Was it like… the owner of the escort service?”  
“Yes. He basically introduced himself, his “company”, gave me his contacts and assured, that everything is absolutely and highly professional. We talked for at least one or two hours. So, when I came back home that evening, I did some research online. I collected as much information as I could and a week later, I decided to give it a go. I was bored, you know, bored with life and a little depressed so why not try something new, something I wouldn’t have considered ever before? There was a 50/50 chance that things went well. It was enough to try. And later, when I met that client the guy was talking about, it turned out to be a woman in her early 50s. She does remind me a bit of Jennifer Lopez, just in an Asian version. Classy woman, if you ask me. Ah anyway, she was looking for someone to accompany her to some gala, a younger man, but no 20-year-old toy boy. I guess I just fulfilled the conditions she required and happened to be at the right place at the right time. Or whatever you want to call it,” the blonde told his story and gave a little laugh at the end of it.

“Was it good? With her, I mean,” Kaoru asked curiously. He still wanted to know more, wanted to ask so many things but wasn’t sure if he should do so right now. After all, their conversation wasn’t that bad at the moment and it would’ve been a pity when one falsely asked question would’ve destroyed that again.  
“Yeah. I just did what she expected of me, put on some nice clothes, went to the event, pretended to be her date, talked to her business partners, had some drinks, brought her home and that’s it.” While he was talking, Die slightly fidgeted with his bottle of beer, slowly tracing a finger around the rim. It was almost sexual.  
“So, she wanted you to pretend that you’re her boyfriend, do I get this right? A gay guy?” And there they came to the part, which the smaller man didn’t quite understand.  
“Sure. She always says she’s a busy woman and really can’t be bothered with relationships, but that doesn’t save her from nosy questions. So, she hires me, the perfect, nice and charming boyfriend. It is the perfect business, Kaoru.”  
“I see. It just … surprised me when your profile clearly states you’re gay, but also says you’d go out with men and women.”  
“That’s why I only get requests from guys to sleep with them.” 

And with that Kaoru had heard enough about Dies job for one evening. No, he didn’t want to think of other men drooling over him, he didn’t want to think of other men touching him and he certainly didn’t want to think of other men fucking what rightfully belonged to him.


	3. Addicted to love

When they met for the third time, it was at an annual festival in Asakusa, where Die was waiting at the Kaminarimon entrance gate for Kaoru. The place was packed with people of all ages, who wanted to celebrate and honour the founders of Sensoji Temple, chatting and laughing away. It wasn’t easy to push through the masses, but Kaoru managed and when he caught sight of Die he couldn’t suppress a little smile. He felt a sudden rush of excitement slamming through his body and with every step he took closer to the other man the feeling only seemed to intensify. It was difficult to imagine what Kaoru was excited about, but his excitement was genuine. Maybe it was because Die was still agreeing to meet him? The reason was too hard to grasp for him and if he was being honest, it didn’t really matter at this point.

“You look good,” Kaoru complimented as he came to a halt right in front of the former redhead and let his gaze roam slowly over his counterpart. Die was dressed in a light blue casual kimono; around his waist he wore a light grey obi belt and over his shoulders he had draped a haori in a matching colour. Dies long hair was tied back in a bun and the bandleader thought it suit him very well. It made him want to stare at his face for forever.  
“Thanks. I could say the same to you. I like the colour of your robe. What is it, royal blue?” the taller male replied, grabbing onto the sleeve of Kaorus kimono as if he wanted to feel the quality of the material.  
The smaller man nodded, giving a silent confirmation and then gestured towards the many food stalls behind the entrance gate.  
“How about we grab something to eat first? Are you hungry?”  
“Yes, I’m actually starving! I kinda lost track of time when picking my outfit and forgot to at least get a snack before leaving.” Die sounded distressed, but simultaneously winked at Kaoru to indicate that he was only making a joke. A second later he linked arms with the older man and started to make his way through the revellers around them.  
“What do you want? I read about a food stand which offers those fried potato twists on a stick, topped with cheese and onion powder. So, I definitely wanna try this! And I’ve been craving some matcha ice cream for the last couple of days,” the blonde revealed after a moment as he looked at Kaoru. It made the bandleader laugh, because really?  
“Are you in a good mood today or something? Or did someone put a spell on you? Where’s the Die who would tease me and show me what an asshole I’ve been four years ago?”  
“Well, maybe I just decided to give you a break this time? You know, I’m indeed in a good mood, but if you prefer being tortured …” the former guitarist offered and raised both of his perfectly curved eyebrows. Kaoru was quick to shake his head no.  
“Thanks, but I think we can skip all those discussions and accusations for once. I’d be glad if we could just spend a nice afternoon together.”  
“Oh, but I never accused you of anything, I just stated facts. But fine, sounds good to me. I promise I’ll be good and now let’s go grab a drink,” Die retorted dryly and Kaoru almost made a comment about him being insensitive again. In the last second, he resisted the urge to continue the fight before he let himself get dragged further into the crowd and to the first stall that offered different kinds of Cocktails. 

They each got a big cup of punch, containing Gin, strawberries, vanilla and crushed ice and when Kaoru took the first sip, he almost had to suppress a cough.  
“Damn, they were quite generous with the Gin, don’t you think? I’m not complaining though.”  
Die only shrugged and nudged Kaoru with his elbow.  
“I don’t mind as long as I’ll get some food into my stomach in between or else you’ll have to carry me home in two or three hours.”  
“Well, I’m sure there are far worse things than carrying you home but alright, let’s get those potato twists you were talking about.” Actually, Kaoru was indeed kind of curious where Die was living now, but he wouldn’t ever ask again to bring him home. Not after what the other man had said to him on their first date about not wanting his clients to know where he lived. But maybe, maybe he could get Die drunk enough so he would eventually ask Kaoru to accompany him to his place. 

He took another sip from his drink before moving on to the next food stand. However, they woudn't get too far since the blonde got distracted at some point and stopped at a small shop selling souvenirs. He looked at a key chain in a shape of a chubby cat with Swarovski crystals as eyes and joked about it looking like his cat. It was the moment Kaoru learned about how his ex-boyfriend had gotten himself a pet about two and a half years ago – something that had led to discussions between them in the past as well. Back then the former redhead already wanted to get a cat, but the smaller male wouldn’t allow it. Simply because he hated the obligations which came along, he hated the fur sticking to every piece of clothing or furniture and he hated the thought of cleaning up the things he wouldn’t have to clean without a pet, such as the cat’s toilet. No, Kaoru just wasn’t the type for a pet and all the additional work. But it did not surprise him that Die had gotten himself a fluffy companion, now that no one was complaining about it.

He sighed deeply and gave the younger man a slight nudge, silently asking him to hurry up. And Die so generously complied with the request. He put the key chain down, leaving the shop so they could continue to their original goal, squeezing themselves through the masses amid the lively atmosphere of Japanese drums. After finally reaching the right food stall they agreed on splitting up. While Kaoru got into the queue for the potato snacks, the younger man went to buy them another drink from a bigger booth on the opposite side. Some long minutes passed by until both men had their beer and meal in both their hands, now standing a little away from huge crowds of people and digging into their food.

“You know, I don’t think one of those potato sticks will be enough to make me full. You can hardly call that a meal,” Kaoru threw in after a while, holding the now empty stick into Dies direction who gave an approving nod.  
“You’re right. You wanna grab another one? Or would you like something else? Ah … hold on!” the blonde glanced at his watch for a second, raising his brows.  
“The parade starts in a minute, I want to watch that first, okay?” He gave Kaoru a look of a young boy begging for some candy and how in God’s name was he supposed to deny him his wish? It would’ve been a futile attempt.  
“Fine. I think I won’t starve to death in the meantime.”

So with that they went to watch the large procession of priests, city officials, geisha, musicians and dancers, all wearing Edo Period costumes. It was loud, wild and colourful. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits and even Die couldn’t wipe away the smile on his face the whole time. That was until black clouds suddenly covered the sun and the darkness engulfed the ground and skies. They didn’t even get the time to register quick enough what was happening when almost immediately heavy rain started to fall down like a bucket getting poured. The people who had been merrily celebrating just a moment ago were scurrying like ants now, out of the rain and to the small stands to get shelter. The former guitarist grabbed onto Kaoru und made a face.  
“My phone didn’t say anything about... this! It just said something about a forty percent chance of rain, that’s close to nothing,” he complained, pushing the other man towards a stall where a group of other revellers was already huddling together.  
“I know but it can’t be helped now. The question is: When is this rain going to let up? Do we have to wait 10 minutes or an hour? If you ask me, it certainly doesn’t look like it’s going to stop raining anytime soon. So, I’d say let’s get away from here. There’s not even enough space for all of us under this tiny roof,” Kaoru grunted out, putting his arm around Die as if that would keep the water away from him.  
“But where are we supposed to go? We’ll be drenched in a matter of seconds. Drenched and freezing!” The blonde voiced his protest but put up no further resistance to being led away.  
“You know I don’t live far away. We can dry our clothes; you can take a hot shower and I’ll give you something dry to wear for the time being. C’mon now.” Kaoru quickened his pace, not accepting any further objections and dragging the taller man along. They soon hurried through the streets, side by side and broke into a run for the last 100 or so meters before they tore into the bandleader’s apartment. Die laughed quietly while slipping out of his slippers, reaching for his hair.  
“Urgh, I told you we’d get drenched.”  
“And I told you I’ll get you dry clothes.”  
“Yeah, whatever. Then I’m gonna take that hot shower you offered so generously in the meantime. See you in a bit.” Die gave the other a onesided grin before retreating to the bathroom.  
“Just take whatever you need,” Kaoru called after him, slightly dumbfounded, slightly amused and then made his way to the bedroom where he could search for some trackpants and a shirt that would fit the blondes taller form. Die was being like another person today, kinda relaxed, kinda cheeky and almost like the old Die he knew from former times. Compared with their first two meetings this indeed was an unexpected turn.

When the former redhead came back, it was half an hour later. He was standing in the doorframe, wearing Kaorus bathrobe and watched as the guitarist peeled himself out of his kimono. He didn’t notice the others presence at once. Only after putting his robe on a hanger for it to dry, he caught sight of Die in the mirror of his closet. Slowly Kaoru turned, giving a small uncertain smile.

“The wet fabric was getting kinda unpleased on my skin,” he raised his voice in an attempt to explain himself. The taller male didn’t answer, just continued staring at his counterpart for some more seconds. It was like Dies gaze was pinning him down, making it impossible for Kaoru to move. He swallowed hard and almost choked on thin air as the younger male suddenly made a move towards him. His steps were determined, meant to quickly close the gap between them and when he was only at arm’s length away, he stopped dead in his tracks. Time stood still for a moment. Kaoru felt like standing in court waiting to hear whether or not he got the death penalty for some heinous crime and the judge took forever to announce the sentence. He blinked once, twice stupidly at Die, who in turn let his eyes wander over his body for a moment. Fear turned into arousal, ramping up his heartbeat and just as he could even grasp the thought that this was anything than appropriate the blonde opened his robe, pushing it off his shoulders and letting it fall to the floor. The bandleader could do nothing more than to gape at the other, hardly believing this was really happening but at the same time unable to resist the temptation to get a good look at his naked ex-boyfriend. And look, that he did. Kaoru took in the sight of creamy white skin, narrow hips, protruding hipbones, broad shoulders, slightly muscled chest. It really didn’t help to calm down the storm, which was raging inside him right now. Had he ever been so aroused?

“Goddamn it, Die,” he breathed out, looking up again into the others face and saw his eyes were filled with tortured longing. It was the last straw for Kaoru to lose his cool. He took this last small step towards the other man that brought their bodies close enough to almost touch, reaching up to cup Dies face and pulling him down to press his mouth to the blondes. It was a slow and sensuous kiss, that was all consuming and mind blowing. The younger man gasped quietly, his own hands coming up to go around the bandleader’s smaller form and running them along warm skin. He parted his lips, inviting Kaoru in. Their tongues met, danced, entwined. The smaller male took his time to devour him and slowly, achingly slowly Die was coming undone. 

With a soft moan the former redhead pulled away from the kiss, urgently placing his lips against the side of Kaorus neck and sucking the spot seductively until the guitarist sighed in pleasure. Meanwhile Kaorus hands let go of his face, grabbing onto slim hips, pushing slightly, guiding them both to the bed step by step. They couldn’t back off now, he would not allow it. 

Die did not hesitate in the slightest, nor did he need any more persuasions and silently slid onto the big bed, welcoming the other man with open arms. They kissed again, gently at first, but as time went by they became more confident, more demanding and the former guitarist couldn’t hold back another small moan when Kaoru nipped at his bottom lip with sharp teeth. Every little sound made the smaller man delirious with want. He felt fireworks of lust go off in his brain and he would’ve loved to just slam Die down on the mattress and make him scream until his voice gave out. But all the same he wanted to touch, kiss and explore every centimetre of skin, memorize every curve of the others body. If this was the only chance to be with the blonde, he could as well make damn good use of it. 

Sweeping his lips down to Dies collarbone he gently kissed along the thin skin, earning himself another sigh from the former guitarist. Hands gripped onto his hair, pulling slightly before travelling to his neck and shoulders, touching, almost massaging. Kaoru hummed low in his throat and slid a little lower, lips closing around one of Dies nipples. He sucked and scraped his teeth on the little sensitive bud, feeling it harden under his tongue. The taller man arched his back at the feeling, pressing his fingers more into Kaorus back.

“Kaoru,” Die whispered, his lust laden voice a major turn on for the bandleader and whatever was left of his sanity went literally down the drain. He let his tongue run over his nipple once more and then switched to the other one, giving its twin the same treatment while his right hand started to caress the defined muscles of his abdomen. He couldn’t remember Die being this well-toned, but he had to admit that there was a certain appeal to it. He wished he could’ve had 8 arms to be able to touch the other everywhere at once but he guessed he had to work with what he had. His fingers slid slowly lower to his navel, barely touching, caressing. Soon a pair of lips followed their path, pressing against one sharp hipbone before long showering it with kisses and then continuing its journey down to the hollow at the junction of the inner part of Dies left thigh. There was the slightest shift of hips as Kaoru teasingly licked along his groin, down and always down, until he finally reached his destination, which was, of course Dies dick. The blonde was already hard, cock standing proudly at attention and the older male almost couldn’t resist the urge to just throw himself down on it like some cheap, hungry whore. Truly, this was the most perfect dick he had ever laid his eyes on, perfect size, the head flared out attractively. But he had to wait! Just one more minute. He had to get more comfortable at first.

Kaoru quickly but gently pushed long legs apart, settled between them and hoisted one of those pretty limbs over his shoulder. 

“I’m gonna blow you and make you cum. And then I’m gonna fuck you and make you cum again,” he whispered dirtily because fuck, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut forever, wanted the former guitarist to know that this afternoon wasn’t going to be over so soon. He looked up for one more second, saw the other watching him expectantly and really, it was almost a pity that there was no reply from the former redhead, especially since Kaoru knew that Die wasn’t really a shy person in the dirty talk department but oh well, they’d get to that. He would make sure that he got to hear how he made Die feel, could almost hear the blonde talking dirty to him in his thoughts, and this only turned him on even more. 

So, he finally dove in and wrapped his lips around the tip, sucking and running his tongue along the sensitive frenulum, making Die go wild beneath him. Slim fingers were back in his hair immediately, gripping onto them, seeking some kind of support. Kaoru groaned softly while licking a half circle around the head of Dies beautiful cock before moving down, taking more and more of the stiff shaft into his mouth until it hit the back of his throat. The former guitarists breathing was loud now, slowly turning into a low moan the deeper the older man took him in and when he swallowed around him Die let out a silent curse, jerking his hips up and abruptly pushing his dick further into Kaorus mouth, nearly causing him to gag. He had to pull back for a second in order to regain his breath, occupying himself with kissing along the inside of Dies thigh in the meantime. God, he had always loved those skinny, long legs. They were just like made to be wrapped around your waist. He couldn’t help but suck on the soft skin there, leaving behind the perfect love bite. Maybe the taller male would give him hell for this later but for now he really didn’t give a fuck, wanted to mark him, to make him his. 

Then he bent Dies leg further towards his body, pushing one hand beneath that sweet little ass and taking a firm grip on one delicious buttcheek. His middle finger slid in between, brushing against the tiny ring of muscles there and heard Die utter another curse. Smiling slightly, he rubbed the finger along the outside of Dies hole once, twice, three times and finally leaned in to allow his tongue to lick at his entrance.  
“Oh my GOD! Oh fuck!” The response was like a lightning bolt and hell yes, that was more the thing Kaoru had been waiting for. God, did it sound good. He gave Dies hole a little kiss before burying his face in his ass and started to eat him out. The taller males’ hips jerked once more and he cried out loudly as Kaoru licked and sucked at his entrance, lapping at the rim. He had to take hold on narrow hips again, holding them in place as Die was almost jumping out of his skin. His moans grew even louder and long legs started to tremble after a while of fucking Die with his tongue, forcing it deeper and deeper into the tight hole. Pretty much every reaction egged the guitarist on, made him intensify his efforts.

“Feels so fucking good. Yes! Oh damn! Please, Kaoru, please,” the younger man whined in between ragged breaths. He barely managed to look down to see Kaoru looking back at him, mouth still occupied to tease at the ring of muscles.  
“Fuck me,” Die then pleaded breathlessly. 

Kaoru felt his own cock pulse at the others begging. He wanted to be inside of that pretty ass, wanted it so bad but he had promised something else at first. So, instead of fulfilling the others wish right on the spot, he got back to blow his ex-boyfriend, wrapping his lips around Dies shaft again. As he began to sink down, the blonde threw his head back, a soft whimper leaving his full lips. Kaoru let go Dies hips, giving him the silent permission to fuck his mouth and the former redhead did not need to be told twice. The older male felt him grip at the back of his head and he barely managed to prepare himself for what was coming next when Kaoru found the dick in his mouth buried deeper in his throat. Dies hips began to move, the pace completely out of control. Kaoru tried, tried with all his might to suppress his gag reflex, sucking diligently from time to time or pressing his tongue against the hard flesh. Thankfully it didn’t take long for him to welcome each of Dies thrusts, taking him deep into his mouth, swallowing around the thick flesh, making love to it. It was impossible for the younger man to last much longer, the warm, wet mouth and the way Kaoru sucked and swallowed around him being too much. His movements became irregular, stuttering and all too soon he stopped them altogether, coming inside the others mouth, legs tensing, fingers twisting in plum-coloured bedsheets. The older male did not pull away, swallowed every drop of Dies cum and only released his cock when he was completely spent. With a last, gentle kiss to the head of his dick he pushed himself up, sliding over Dies body and pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth.

“Did you like that?” he asked teasingly, making the blonde snort and open his eyes.  
“I think I was pretty obvious, no?”  
Die gave him a little grin, reaching around the smaller man, running his hands down his back, not hesitating to slide his fingers beneath the waistband of Kaorus shorts and gripping his ass.  
“So, are you finally going to fuck me now or what?” he almost purred out, teeth gently pulling at the bandleader’s earlobe while his thumb worked its way between two firm buttcheeks to teasingly rub around the muscled opening. Equal rights for everyone, right?  
“Don’t you wanna be inside this sweet ass? Don’t you wanna feel it clenching hot and tight around you?”  
THAT really got to Kaoru. The rush of heat, the desire, it almost knocked him off his feet.  
“Jesus, you’ve got such a dirty mouth,” he pressed out while reaching for the nightstand and started to hastily rummage for the lube. God, his cock was slowly killing him, and the things Die said didn’t help to hold back the urge to fuck him into the next week. No, he now was at this point where he wanted to bury his shaft inside that sweet ass as quick as possible.  
“I know you like it,” the blonde replied cockily, placing a kiss on Kaorus tattooed neck and finally pushing his shorts down, revealing the smaller man’s hardness to his view. Shamelessly Die let his gaze wander to the bandleaders cock, humming approvingly.

“Let me lube you up, I want to touch you for a bit,” he added, taking the bottle of lube from Kaoru and flicking the lid open. He poured a generous amount onto his fingers before guiding his hand down to the older man’s throbbing erection. Grasping his dick, he started to slowly jerk Kaoru off who could only moan in response. It felt like heaven to finally feel Dies touch, to have him pleasure him. It was like a thousand fireworks went off at once. Another breathy gasp escaped him when the younger man thumbed the slit, collecting precome and slicking his length up more. 

“You’re so hard. Feels fucking amazing. C’mon, I need you inside me. Now!” Die beckoned, tightening his grip on the next downstroke. Afterwards he drew back and spread his long legs apart, inviting Kaoru. This time it was the guitarist who didn’t have to be asked twice to act. He knew the taller male could take him without prep, they had done it a thousand times in the past. He just had to go slow at first.

Almost hastily he slid between his former lovers’ thighs and hoisted his legs onto his hips. As soon as Kaoru guided his cock to Dies tight entrance the former redhead arched towards him, impatient for what was to come.  
“God Die,” the smaller man moaned as he finally, slowly pushed his way inside the others body, stretching him and filling him up. And Die welcomed him, taking him in deep, curling his toes. 

Both men stayed like this for the next seconds, bathing in the feelings they evoked in each other. Their gazes met and Kaoru could feel the other male shudder beneath him. He leaned up to plant several short kisses onto plush lips for a moment or two, then trailed down along the line of Dies jaw. It felt like heaven to kiss him, to touch him, to be inside him. Hell, he'd wanted this so much and he was becoming greedy for more with every second. Eventually he couldn’t wait anymore. 

“You feel so good. Fuck, your perfect little ass is so damn tight around me.” His words came out grunting as he started moving, slowly pumping into the blonde. They were long, languid strokes and Kaoru made sure that he pushed his entire length in each time, then pulling nearly all the way out before slamming back in again. Die cursed under his breath, pressing his head back into the pillows. His body was already quivering with each thrust the older male made, fingers grabbing onto his biceps, cock coming to life again between them. Kaorus hand wrapped loosely around Dies throat as he sped up his thrusts, slightly shifting his hips and when he felt the younger man squirm beneath him, pushing his hips up to greedily meet each and every thrust, he knew he found just the right spot. From there on he kept up the angle, assaulting Dies sweet spot over and over again, not giving him time to breath. The blonde was putty in his arms in a matter of minutes.  
“Oh mother of God, right there. Oh shit! Don’t stop …. Don’t … stop,” Die cried out as his prostate was mercilessly being pounded into, eyes hazy from all the pleasure he was receiving.  
“You enjoy this, don’t you baby? Are you going to cum again soon?” Kaoru growled while tightening his grip on Dies throat just the slightest bit, who in turn tightened his insides. It made the smaller male groan in response, hips snapping forward more aggressively, more demandingly.  
“Yes! Oh, fuck yes,” he heard the former redhead hiss, felt him grab his ass and press down to encourage Kaoru to go even harder and he does – if that was even possible, throwing all restrains overboard. He literally was nailing his ex-boyfriend into the mattress with a vicious desire, using his body for his own pleasure and chasing his own orgasm. Then, suddenly, he hit Die so deep, the blonde was all but sobbing, body clamping down around his dick, thighs shaking as he released between their bodies. It was everything the smaller man needed to reach his own end. The tightness, the heat, the way those full lips parted in a silent scream while riding on the waves of passion. Kaoru slammed into him two more times before stopping altogether and flooding Dies insides with his load. It was pure bliss as his cock was pulsing out rope after rope of hot cum into the others tiny ass, making the man beneath him sigh. Kaoru could swear he blacked out for a moment.

When he came down from the high, they were both panting, trying to regain their breath. The taller males face was flushed, a certain glow of Sex surrounding him und the older thought he was pretty like that, with his long hair sprawled out all over the mattress. He leaned up, pressing his mouth against Dies. The kiss was soft, almost childish in its nature. One hand searched for the other, long fingers curling into a smaller palm. Kaoru nearly purred and reluctantly ended the kiss. He had to at least clean them up a bit before it got unpleasant.

“Stay,” he whispered and detached himself from Die. The blonde blinked lazily, didn’t move a muscle, nor did he say a word. He just patiently waited for the other to come back, let him wipe away remnants of come and lube before settling beside him once again. Only then did he move towards the older man, giving him a tired little smile and all Kaoru could do was to pull the taller body into his arms, webbing his fingers through long, bleached hair and kissing his lips for another time, pouring all his yearning of those lost four years into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheesus! This took me long enough u_û  
Of course there had to be some fucking in this chapter (I know this is a sad excuse cuz there was none other than me who wanted them to get it on ... and probably my inner horny Die - he's so hard up for Kaoru).  
I will probably edit the shit out of this another time (since there's always some things I don't like every time I read through the chapter) but oh well ... I had to cut it today or else I won't EVER post it :""").


	4. Undercover passion on the run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, things got a little out of hand. They were supposed to argue more heavily and not make out °^°  
Die wasn't supposed to invite Kaoru over yet. They have their own mind and I'm not myself lately... must be spring fever or something like that. XD At least I already have the next chapter in my head and it won't be that mushy anymore, oh no!!!

When Die jerked awake about an hour later he found himself still pressed up against the smaller man’s body. Kaoru was breathing into his hair, one tattooed hand rested at the back of his neck and from time to time the blonde could feel his fingers twitch, drawing little patterns on his skin. It almost lulled him back to sleep, but he forced his eyes to stay open, blinking them out and yawning quietly. Then he slowly raised his head, searching and finding the others gaze, holding it captive with his own for a minute before Kaoru wrapped his arms around him, pushing him onto his back and rolling on top of him. The blonde grunted softly, grabbing onto the others arm with one hand and pushing the other one into his hair.

“What are you doing?” he asked mildly irritated, but Kaoru would’ve none of that.  
“Just… all I want is one last kiss before you go, okay? You think you can do that?”, the leader growled almost dangerously, tone dark and holy hell was it enough to make goose bumps ripple along Dies skin. 

Not daring to argue right now and kind of turned on again he could only nod as an answer all the while staring up to the other man and waiting for the inevitable. And when it came, when that promised kiss came, the former redhead immediately went boneless beneath his ex-boyfriend since he wanted it just as much and Kaorus lips on his own felt incredibly good. The way his tongue snuck out, tracing gently along Dies bottom lip as if he wanted to memorize the line and scope of it, the way he nipped at it with his teeth and then finally pushed his tongue inside the younger man’s mouth, it all made Die feel dizzy and light headed beyond believe, leaving him gasping for breath in a matter of seconds. Damn, Kaoru still knew exactly how he liked to be kissed, taking advantage of this knowledge and giving the former guitarist no chance to keep his reactions at bay. 

“I hate you,” he whispered against the smaller man’s lips and yanked at his hair to keep him from kissing Die again. Kaoru grimaced, reaching for the others hand to pull it away.

“I know,” he retorted unfazed before pressing his mouth to the former redheads once again, because yes, he couldn’t get enough, couldn’t stop himself from wanting more and more of those kisses. It was addictive, just like the first hit of crack could be. And Dies words… Kaoru knew the blonde didn’t really mean them, knew that Die was only pissed at himself for not being able to resist his kisses.

“I’ve always loved your lips,” he added after a while, slowly lifting one hand and brushing his fingers over Dies cheek. His skin was smooth as silk under the pads of his fingers. He slowly moved on, let his thumb graze over the younger man’s lips, gliding gently over their lushness and pausing when he heard Dies breathing increase.  
“Are you alright?” He said with a voice he didn’t recognize. 

Die gazed up at him, his dark eyes flames waiting to be stoked. Then his tongue poked out, touching Kaorus thumb and the sensuality of the movement made the molten desire flame, hot and rapid, had his lower body tightening again. He pulled his finger away for just one second, the dampness on his hand from Dies tongue turning cool before placing it on the blonde’s full bottom lip again, running the moistness across it. Just another thing he couldn’t get enough of. No, he could’ve done this forever, just tracing his fingers along the lines of those perfect lips, of that perfect face.

“Will you please stop treating me like your lover?” Die finally raised his voice after fighting for composure for a while, making Kaoru pause and frown.  
“Don’t tell me you don’t like that.”  
“I do, but that’s not the point. We’re not a couple anymore. We fucked, that’s about it.” The blonde appeared casual, or thought he appeared casual, but the alacrity with which he now pushed the bandleader off himself surely gave him away.

“Oh yeah we fucked. Because it was you who couldn’t keep his hands off me, who literally threw himself at me and now what?” Kaoru barked, praying inwardly for the Lord to give him strength not to strangle Die right on the spot. 

“You could’ve said no?” The former redhead offered while getting out of bed and searching for the others bathrobe to cover himself.  
“I could’ve said no, my ass. You know I wouldn’t. I don’t want to.” Because he craved Die, he yearned for him, he loved him, and he would greedily take anything his former boyfriend had to offer. Anything.  
The blonde turned his attention away from the cord of the bathrobe which he just had tied around his middle and looked at Kaoru, frowning. Then he was back on the bed in a matter of seconds, perching himself on the edge.

“I don’t want you to. Say no, that is,” he admitted quietly and reached out to press one hand against the smaller man’s chest. The look in his eyes held a sudden sadness and the leader wanted nothing more than to break down and cry.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to start a fight," Die added and Kaoru took a deep breath. At the same time he made a grab for the younger man’s arms and pulled him towards himself, right into his arms.  
“It’s not like we’re not used to constantly fight with each other. Though I’d love to skip that just once,” he murmured into soft, blonde hair and a minute later gave out a laugh as some kind of realisation hit him.  
“At least… what always worked for us just perfectly fine was the sex. Sometimes we didn’t even manage to make up with words before and just went straight for the make-up sex.”  
Kaoru could hear Die chuckle, hot breath tickling his chest and when he looked up there was amusement dancing in those dark orbs, amusement mixed with maybe the slightest tinge of love.  
“True,” he breathed, leaning up a little bit to press one small kiss to the older males chin before detaching himself from him once again.

“I need to go now. It’s already dark outside and my cat is probably starving for the third time today.”  
“I understand that but your clothes are probably still wet,” Kaoru remarked while he too got out of bed.  
“That’s why I was gonna ask you if I still could borrow some? Track pants will be fine and maybe a plain shirt?”

The leader hitched one eyebrow, looking at Die as if he’d sprouted a second head.  
“You? Going out in a pair of sweatpants? Okay now, where’s the hidden camera?” He asked and shook his head because did he really hear that right? Did he not imagine things? Did he dream?

But, the longer he thought about it...

A smug little grin started to pull at the corners of his mouth since the mental image of his ex-boyfriend running through the streets of Tokyo in his, certainly too short, track pants was kind of amusing. On the other hand, wearing ankle track pants in public sure was a thing now, so probably no one would give Die strange looks for that.

“Stop making fun of me. I’ll just call a cab, so don’t worry. No one will see me like this.” Die rolled his eyes at the leader, propping his hands on his hips. Then he silently clicked his tongue and gave the other man an expectant look as if wanting to tell him to hurry the fuck up. 

Sighing, but not bothering with an answer, at least not with words, Kaoru quickly got to his closet, started to rummage through it and came back to the blonde with the garments he had asked for. Silently he handed them over.

“Thanks,” the younger man beamed and vanished into the others bathroom to get changed right away.  
“Yeah, whatever,” Kaoru mumbled into an empty room before turning towards his closet once more. He needed something to wear too, right? Right. Nothing that had to be suitable for the outside world since he wouldn’t go out anymore today, just something similar to the clothes he had given Die. 

He didn’t even give a fuck about underwear, just slipped into a pair of loose trackpants and a hoodie and before long he stood in his kitchen, brewing himself a cup of coffee. When the former guitarist joined him a few minutes later he stopped in the doorframe and leaned casually against it, crossing his arms over his chest, watching Kaoru take a sip from his coffee. 

“So, I figured we will have to meet again some time,” Die voiced out his thoughts, tipping his chin up a bit.  
“Hmm, I suppose,” Kaoru grunted shrugging, seemingly lost in his own little world.  
“I could still pack your stuff into a bag, and you could take it with you? I don’t mind if you keep my clothes.” And that wasn’t even a lie, but the way the blonde shook his head clearly showed that he wasn’t really agreeing on this. Die even scrunched up his nose. 

“Oh no, forget it. You will NOT put my kimono into a plastic bag and I will NOT keep your clothes,” he said almost offended and Kaoru sighed again. He sighed because he didn’t know how to explain to Die that he felt weird paying for his attention, for his company. It didn’t bother him the first two times but now that they had slept with each other it really left that slightly bitter aftertaste of paying a whore for a few sexual favours. And yet… he did want to see the taller man again, he wanted it so bad it nearly tore him apart. Therefore, he could do nothing else than nod, raising his hands in defence.  
“Alright. Just tell me when you’re free.”

Instantly the smile was back in Dies face and he pushed himself away from the doorframe, walked towards his former lover and leaned down and over to Kaorus lips, touching them with his own for a brief moment.  
“Let’s have breakfast on Saturday. My place, I’ll shoot you a text,” he said, placing another little kiss onto the leader’s lips before he retreated completely and left the kitchen in a blink of an eye. Kaoru just stood there, mouth slightly agape, brain slowly processing the information.

“You don’t even have my number?” He called after the blonde, still not able to get his body to move. Did Die really invite him over to his apartment? What kind of game was he playing now?

“But my agency does.” It was the last thing he heard the younger male say before he left Kaorus place. And the leader? Could barely believe this was not some crazy ass dream. How? Why? All of a sudden. Was Kaoru still supposed to book him for that breakfast on Saturday? Was he even allowed to visit the blondes place? He couldn’t understand Die, he really couldn’t.


	5. You wear it well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is some kind of short "interlude". Nothing super exciting BUT it DOES have it's relevance for the next part :""")

Kaoru slowly walked through several aisles inside the store he had entered 20 minutes ago, browsed through items and occasionally checked their prices. He wasn’t quite sure what he was actually looking for, just that it had to be something classy and fashionable. His feet led the way as his eyes scanned the apparel until finally something caught his interest. He pulled out a floral striped button-down shirt from the hanger, turning it from front to back, examining the details and fabric. The flowery ornaments were accentuated with a little yellow here and there and Kaoru liked that quite a bit. It gave a nice contrast to the otherwise black and white stripes and black outlined flowers. That would definitely look nice with a blazer, maybe in midnight blue and a pair of black, tight fitting skinny jeans.

He took the shirt to the changing rooms to try it on, slipped into it real quick and smoothed it down over his chest and flat stomach. The shirt was slightly tailored, falling not too tight while at the same time accentuating his figure very nicely. The leader turned from left to right, checked his ass out in the mirror, giving an approving hum. Yep, still firm and perfectly shaped.

Happy with how he looked he changed back into his own clothes and exited the fitting area no more than five minutes later. He had found something classy, it looked good on him, no it looked _great_ on him so why shouldn’t he buy it right away? There was no need to look for other stuff, he had already made his decision and he doubted that, after instantly falling in love with this piece, he’d find something that could keep up with the striped shirt and it’s delicate baroque flower print.

Kaoru went over to the counter where another customer was handing over a pair of big Gucci sunglasses to the sales lady, asking her to get them gift wrapped. He listened to her giggling and compliments about what an awesome gift the other man chose and how lucky his girlfriend or wife must’ve been. Kaoru nearly rolled his eyes at her. And then, not one minute later, he really couldn’t hold it back anymore as the customer explained that he would give the glasses to someone super hot he currently was having a wild affair with.

Why some men felt the need to brag about their sex life Kaoru didn’t understand. Sure, he wouldn’t say anything against a wild affair, he was confident in his sexuality and certainly not shy when it came to the fucking part but he just didn’t feel the need to brag or provide details, alone out of respect for his partner.

He tried to ignore the rest of the conversation between the guy and the clerk, checked the glass display cabinet next to the counter where small valuable items like jewellery and other accessories were kept. Kaoru scanned the contents, slightly scratching his jaw. Maybe he should get a new necklace and some small silver pendant? There were several pieces that looked really nice and he couldn’t remember where he had left one of his own necklaces, so maybe it was time for something new? Then again, he was in no hurry with things like these and he still had hope to find his old jewellery. So, no, maybe not this time.  
When the sales lady was finally done with the other customer, he handed the shirt over and dug out his credit card.

“That’s a very beautiful shirt, excellent choice,” the woman praised and smiled broadly at Kaoru while she scanned the barcode on the price tag. The leader nodded his thanks while giving her the plastic card, the key to his bank account and savings of the last 10 or so years.

“I would die to see my boyfriend wearing a shirt like this to one of our dates, but oh well…” She continued after a moment and handed Kaoru a black high-quality paper bag where the garment was now securely packed. He took the item, gave a slightly uneasy smile and thanked her again for the nice service. And that was it.

She would not get any information about his plans. She would not get any information about him wanting to do exactly what she had been talking about, namely wearing that new, expensive shirt to his breakfast date on Saturday. With Die.


	6. Nails for breakfast...

When Saturday finally rolled around, Kaoru stood in front of Dies flat at 9 in the morning, eyeing the blonde, who had opened the door in nothing more than a black silk dressing gown. His hair was done, delicately curled, just like on their first meeting but that was about it. He raised his hand to check his watch while Die was looking him up and down, taking in his new shirt, black skinny jeans, midnight blue blazer and brand-new white sneakers. A slight smirk spread across his face and he stepped aside to let the smaller male in.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t forget our date,” he assured, his voice soft, almost hoarse while he closed the door after Kaoru had entered the apartment.  
“It certainly looks like it,” the leader dared to tease and took off his shoes like the good guest he was. Then, without getting another answer from the former redhead, he was being led to the kitchen. They crossed the living room and Kaoru noticed how spacious and immaculately clean it was, the white high gloss furniture giving the room an extremely premium look.

“Nice flat, suits you,” he remarked as they turned left into what was obviously the kitchen. White high gloss furniture again, bright and tidy, without any indication that someone actually was living here. It could have come straight out of an advertisement for luxury apartments. It was just _too_ perfect; it was just so Die.

He turned to the long, white dining table which was already set up for breakfast. There were cups and saucers for hot drinks, juice glasses for cold drinks, silverware, salad-size plates for toasts or muffins, and bowls for hot or cold cereal. In the centre of the table were serving vessels and utensils that related to specific items such as pitchers of syrup, a clean dish for butter, and jams or jellies in small, clean bowls.

“It didn’t have to be _that_ fancy.” Kaoru added, gaze going back to the blonde, who was just reaching for a chair and pulling it back.  
“I know, but I wanted it to be. I mean, look at you. You’re dressed like you’d want to go to some five-star restaurant. Not that I’m complaining, I like it.”  
Die winked and grabbed onto Kaorus arm.  
“Please, take a seat.”  
The older man smiled, feeling a little flattered and did as he was told, seating his ass onto the white upholstered chair.  
“Don’t you wanna get dressed? I can wait for a bit,” he then asked and looked up to the taller male, frowning, waiting for some kind of reaction. Die just stood there, lips pressed tightly together for a moment before that cheeky smirk returned to his face. Kaoru couldn’t tell what it meant. Not until the former redhead grabbed onto the backrest of the chair and in one swift movement swung one leg over him, straddling his lap.

“Not really. But if you insist?” He purred and wound his arms around the bandleader’s neck, who in turn grasped roughly onto the blonde’s hips.  
“Did you invite me for breakfast or to get laid?” he grunted out and really, he _wanted_ to sound annoyed, but he couldn’t. His body was already reacting in ways that were challenging his self-discipline. It was like taking a bite from the forbidden fruit. But he couldn’t let the other man play with him like that, could he? He couldn’t be tempted. This wasn’t right.

Growling lowly once again he held Die still with one arm and with the other one he grabbed his hands, pinning them to his chest so the blonde couldn’t do any more damage. For a brief, powerful moment Kaoru was reminded how perfectly he fit against his body, how his adorable, tight butt was nestled against his crotch. He hissed as Die leaned in to slightly graze his lips against the smaller males.

“Maybe both? How about a quickie before breakfast?” he proposed and started to slowly rock his hips against Kaoru, purposefully, teasingly, watching as the leaders face changed.  
“C’mon, touch me.”

God damn, who was supposed to resist this? Who was supposed to resist those sensual movements? Their only purpose was to break his will and it was almost too easy. Yes, he would let the other man play, he would lose this battle. He already lost.

Kaoru eventually surrendered, released his grip on Dies hands and hip so he could occupy himself with untying the cord around his middle that held the silken gown together. He parted the fabric, tugged at it until it slipped over broad shoulders. Die was naked beneath and Kaorus eyes drank him in, devoured him as if he was a cool glass of water and the leader were stranded in the desert. His hands came to the blonde’s chest and Die moaned when calloused fingers gently brushed over his nipples. The leaders gaze became wilder as he watched the man above him, felt him rock harder against his dick, creating an indescribable friction.

“Fuck, Die. Feels good,” he groaned, hands becoming bolder, touches more desperate.  
“What would feel even better is that cock of yours. Deep. Inside. Me.”  
The taller male punctuated every word with a hard thrust, shoving his hips into Kaorus now rock-hard manhood. They both released another groan. The tension was slowly becoming hard to bear.  
Kaoru hastily reached around his ex-boyfriend, of course kept his hands beneath the silken fabric and went straight for those sweet, little butt cheeks. He squeezed at the tight mounds of flesh, massaged them and listened to Dies silent sighs of pleasure.

“Yesss. That’s it. Don’t stop,” the blonde whispered, while pushing his fingers into the older male’s hair. And Kaoru didn’t stop, no. He gave one butt cheek another slight squeeze before releasing it and boldly plunging two fingers deep inside of Dies tight hole in the next movement. The former redhead clamped down on them, but at the same time greedily tried to push back against the intruding digits. His back arched, his thighs spread, wanting more because it wasn’t enough. It. Was. Not. Enough.

“Oh God, oh yeah,” he moaned, and Kaoru crooked his fingers, searching for that special spot.  
“You little slut, you planned that, didn’t you? Did you prep yourself before I came? It’s so hot and slick inside you,” the guitarist growled as realization dawned on him while he jammed his fingers into Dies prostate, making the younger man throw back his head and gasp.  
“Yes. Yes, I planned that,” he admitted right away. Why should he even bother to lie? After all, Kaoru didn’t complain, nor did he push him away. On the contrary. He moved his fingers a little faster, craning his neck und pressing his lips against Dies collar bone for a moment or two.

“Why don’t you open my pants and get my dick out? That’s what you want, right? To sit on my cock.” Kaoru murmured against warm skin, looking up to find Die staring at him, a wry smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.  
“Yeah, that’s what I want,” he silently confirmed while bringing his hands down between their bodies. Now that he had Kaorus final approval he didn’t hold back, tore open the black fabric of his jeans and yanked down his briefs right afterwards, revealing the hard, swollen shaft to his view. Perfect. There were no other words to describe the older man’s length.

Die wrapped his fingers around his ex-boyfriends shaft and gave it a fluid pump, thumbing over the sensitive head. It earned him a rough groan from the other man, grip tightening on narrow hips.  
“God, I’d love to suck you off. But I guess that will have to wait for another time,” the blonde whispered and lifted his butt up, letting Kaorus finger slip out of him. He was getting impatient, had had enough foreplay. Die quickly readjusted himself a bit, held the bandleader’s cock steady and finally, finally he pushed the tip against his entrance. His legs trembled as he lowered himself, stiff dick pushing his ass open.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” he whined as his tight channel pulsed and rippled around the intruder and Kaoru answered with his own, deep moan. It was hot inside Dies body, his walls squeezing around Kaorus prick, driving him near madness. Fuck, he needed to do something, anything. He needed to get deeper!  
“Jesus, you feel so… I can’t wait.” That was all the warning the blonde got. Kaoru surged up as he pulled Die down, cock pushing forward, filling him up, who in turn squirmed a little bit at the sudden movement, trying to get comfortable.

“Don’t move, give yourself a second,” the older man murmured after getting a grip of himself again, while relishing in the feeling of being inside that perfect ass. There was nothing better in this world right now. His lips searched for and found the former guitarists, stealing a little kiss. Die snorted quietly, arms coming back around Kaorus neck.  
“Says the man who just shoved his dick up my butt because he couldn’t stand it anymore,” he mocked and pressed another kiss to the others mouth.  
“Yeah. I’m sorry. You’re just so…” The leader couldn’t finish his sentence as Die rose a couple of inches and then slowly came back down. He had wanted to give himself a break, he had tried to. Really, he did. But it was impossible. He had to move.

A low sob broke from deep within Dies throat, muscles spasming around the pulsing cock deep inside him. He lifted up and came back down, again and again, never more than a few inches at a time.  
“Die,” Kaoru growled out his name. He didn’t know where he ended and Die began, his prick throbbed, his skin burned where Die touched him, the pleasure was almost too much. But at the same time, he couldn’t get enough, God, he just couldn’t. He grunted and held the blonde tighter, guiding his hips up, then down, working with him as he moved. Die let him, sped up his movements and fucked himself on the smaller male’s dick, squeezing his walls together every now and then, making Kaoru shudder in wild abandon.

“You feel so good,” the former redhead gasped silently as he circled his hips for a minute before he continued riding the other man, getting more and more desperate with every passing minute. And Kaoru loved it, loved how Die slammed down on him, loved how he cried out as the leader’s cock hit his most sensitive spots. All they cared about were the sensation of being filled, of filling, of sharing that incredible pleasure, that intimate moment that made them whole. Even if it wasn’t meant to be forever.

“Please,” Die whimpered after some time, begging for things only God knew, and the sound almost send Kaoru over the edge. He hastily pushed his right hand between their bodies, grasping the blondes leaking cock and started to stroke him just the way he remembered Die liked the most. Hard, fast, built to make him come.  
He felt him grip at his shoulders, saw him bite down on his bottom lip, heard him cry out in ecstasy and with just two more thrusts the former redhead started to come undone. Kaoru groaned as the walls of his ass convulsed around him. It sent up fireworks of lust, white spots started to dance in his vision, balls drawing up with his approaching orgasm. Then it hit him like a tidal wave, body tensing and cock spurting out his offering into Dies tight channel. God this was too good!

Afterwards they panted together. Kaorus nerves buzzed with the electrical aftershocks. He dropped his head to the crease of Dies neck, loosening his grasp on the blonde’s manhood. His hand was wet and sticky from Dies cum and he reached for a napkin on the table to get cleaned up.

“Hnn, that was really fucking good,” the blonde murmured before pressing a little kiss to Kaorus temple. The leader gave a little laugh and silently agreed. How could he not? They shared another kiss and Die reluctantly eased off to get to the bathroom, his feet quiet on the tiled floor.

When he returned, the smaller male was fully dressed again, standing at the sink washing his hands and there were no signs of what had happened only mere minutes ago.  
“So, what would you like to eat for breakfast?” the former guitarist began while opening the fridge. A soft wave of cool air hit the room, causing goosebumps on Dies skin.  
“Whatever you’ll give me. I don’t have special requests,” Kaoru replied.  
“Alright. Then… just take a seat and I’ll prepare everything. Or maybe you could make some coffee?” Die proposed and with a nod of his head motioned towards the coffee machine.  
“Sure.”

The bandleader turned towards the device, ready to help his ex-boyfriend but stopped in his tracks just a second later as his eyes caught sight of a very familiar object, placed right next to the coffee machine. He remembered those sunglasses und he certainly remembered that gift wrapping, which lay neatly folded beneath the high-quality shades. His breath caught in his throat, heart skipping several beats. This must’ve been some sick joke, right? There was no way that…

Kaoru turned back to Die, who was just about to boil some eggs but paused when he noticed the other staring at him.  
“Is everything alright? You just have to turn it on and press one button, you know? It’s no rocket science,” he teased smiling. Kaoru cleared his throat as it felt somewhat dry now and let his gaze shift back to the coffee maker.  
“Nice glasses.” The words slipped past his lips before he could think about their consequences.  
“Oh, thanks. They’re pretty awesome, right? I got them from a friend.”  
“A friend, hm? A friend who buys you a pair of sunglasses for 35.000 yen? He didn’t sound like only a friend when he was bragging to the cashier about having a hot affair.”  
“What are you talking about?” Die sounded irritated, brows rising in surprise.  
“I… nevermind.” Kaoru sighed and silently cursed under his breath. Why did he have to start this? He knew Die wouldn’t let go of the topic until he spilled the beans. And when he looked at the other man, he was indeed staring expectantly at the bandleader, head cocked to the side.  
“I guess I met your “friend” the other day at this one shop where I bought my shirt. He seemed to be very sure that you’d like his gift.”  
The blonde laughed mockingly.  
“There are over 6 Million people living in Tokyo.”  
“Yeah, well. They have only one shop in this city, their logo is on the gift wrapping. Must be a big coincidence that two people buy the exact same pair of sunglasses for someone; don’t you think?” Kaoru said, tilting his chin up a bit, staring at his ex-boyfriend as he approached him.

“You’re jealous,” Die remarked dryly, and the older male – in all honesty – answered with a barely there nod because yes, he was jealous, he was envious of every man who would get the chance to be near the blonde.

“Listen, you don’t have the right to. I don’t owe you explanations and I certainly don’t need your permission to accept gifts from my clients,” the former redhead continued and while his harsh words stung like the lashing of hard leather on bare skin, Kaoru knew he was right.  
“I don’t expect you to seek permission. It’s just… weird how he called you an affair and shit? If it really was one of your clients.”  
“Of course he did. Would you admit to some random person you’re buying something for your escort?” Die rolled his eyes because, did he really have to point out the obvious?  
“You’re right. It’s probably easier to pretend. Aren’t you afraid though? That if you accept expensive gifts your clients will feel special and build their hopes up?” Kaoru could only imagine that things like these happened. He would too buy something nice and expensive for the other man, he would take joy in the way his eyes would light up when he got something he liked, he would be happy if Die was happy and he would most certainly fall in love with him or with the idea of him being his boyfriend.

“We can all dream for something that can never be within our reach,” he heard the blondes bitter reply before there was a slight touch to his arm. It felt warm, gentle and in any other situation it could’ve been a comforting gesture.

“What about that coffee now?” And of course, just like that, Die would decide to end this topic here. For once Kaoru didn’t even mind. Maybe it was better to forget about that for the time being and go back to enjoying a nice morning with toasts and coffee.

So, the bandleader gave a short shrug and turned to switch on the machine while the taller male got the eggs ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes yes, I know. Die used Kaoru! Just like that :-P And I'm not even feeling sorry.  
At least he got to have some fun before being remembered that Die does things for a living Kaoru isn't really fond of. :D


	7. ... tacks for snacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just .... mehh ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Over the rim of his cup Die watched as Kaoru decorated his sandwich with ham, cheese and thinly sliced cucumber. It felt oddly normal, being here with him, eating breakfast, drinking coffee. It felt like the last four years had not existed. It felt like home.

“I should be mad at you,” Kaorus voice suddenly cut through his thoughts, making the blonde raise his eyebrows and cock his head to the side in a silent question.

“For using me, I mean.” The smaller man smiled at him while he gave his explanation; even winked to show that he was only teasing and Die chuckled in return.

“Using you for sex? You weren’t complaining when your cock was up my ass. You can admit you loved it, I won’t judge,” he joined in on the playful bickering while reaching for a slice of bread, starting to put some ham on it and topping it off with a bit of guacamole.

“Do you remember the first time we slept with each other? You said the exact same thing to me back then,” he continued before taking a bite.

“That I should be mad at you for using me?” Kaoru grinned.  
“I do. I remember. Your hair was shorter then but had the same colour. Your skin was beautifully tanned, and you looked like some delicious caramel treat, seriously.”  
“Delicious huh? I see. You just couldn’t resist and had to take a bite.”

Both men laughed quietly.

“Hey, it was you who seduced me. So, basically it was you who took the first bite, keep your facts straight, Mister,” Kaoru threw in and winked once more.

“Oh yeah, I know. But, I mean, it was pretty easy to get into your pants.” And Die was right. It hadn’t taken him a lot of effort so many years ago and it didn’t take a lot of effort now. He had always wanted the taller man. Sun kissed skin or not.

“I was already in love with you at that time,” Die then confessed and got up to quickly refill their coffee mugs. They always used to drink two cups in the mornings and old habits died hard, right?

“I was feeling the same.” Kaorus voice was barely above a whisper. His eyes followed Dies every movement, wandered over his form, over the silken fabric of the dressing gown which hugged his body nicely. He enjoyed the view, re-memorized every curve, every dip until the blonde came back with their pots.

“Yet it took us five more years to finally get together,” Die mused and sat down, handing his former bandmate his coffee.

“Why did you never tell me? That you were in love with me for so long?” Kaoru wanted to know, wanted to keep up the conversation. They haven’t been this honest with one another for ages, probably even talked openly about their feelings for the first time.

“Because we never really talked about it. You could’ve told me too? But it didn’t matter. When we got together it didn’t matter. I was just happy to be with you.”

“I was happy too. However, it doesn’t change the fact that we couldn’t handle each other.” Sadly. Speaking out the truth hurt like a bitch. Kaoru could swear he felt it physically.  
“We didn’t know how to treat each other right… as a couple; we probably still don’t know and I’m sorry, I really am. I would have wanted it to last forever,” the leader said, his voice low. He reached for Dies hand and the blonde let him, turning his wrist so they could link their fingers together.

„Yeah well, we could handle each other better when we were just fucking around but it’s okay now. Doesn’t matter anymore,” Die replied, tracing his thumb over the back of Kaorus hand. They looked at each other – longingly, lovingly.

“I really didn’t want to break your heart. I know I did but believe me, it broke mine too.”

“Please, don’t go there, alright?” And just like that the moment broke. It was enough, Die had enough again. He pulled back his hand and grabbed for his coffee, taking a sip. The smaller male sighed in defeat. He knew that the other was still hurting, he knew it the day they had met at the restaurant, he saw it in his eyes, heard it in his voice, even if Dies expression was stoic, like a man trying to pretend something didn't bother him. For a moment he could not breathe.

“Yeah, alright. I’m sorry,” the words slipped past his lips in a strained whisper. What followed was silence. That kind of deafening silence one just wanted to escape as quickly as possible. Kaoru could easily hear the blood rushing through his ears for a couple of seconds before suddenly he picked up another sound. A short shuffling followed by a silent meow.

Right, Dies cat. He had already forgotten that his ex-boyfriend owned a pet now, but God, was he thankful for that little bit of distraction. It came just in time. Curiously, he watched as the blonde bend down to pick up the animal, placed it on his lap and gently petted its head.

“Here you are. I was already wondering when you’d show up,” he talked to it in a singsong voice and the cat meowed back. Kaorus lips formed half a grin, that ended up looking like a pained grimace as his thoughts were still partially circling around their previous conversation. But then he tried to get a grip on himself, tried to focus on Dies voice and he really was not able to recall hearing the taller man talk in such a tone ever before. Kaoru couldn’t help but find that kind of cute.

“What’s the breed? Not that I’m very familiar with cat breeds…” The guitarist had absolutely no clue when it came to cats, or pets in general. However, it was something Die was passionate about and he had always liked to listen to him talking about the things he loved.

“It’s a Russian blue, his name is Enki.”  
“Enki?”  
“Yes, he’s named after a Sumerian God.”  
“Sumerian? I never knew you’re into Babylonian mythology?” Kaoru raised his brows in astonishment.  
“That’s because I’m not. I was just browsing the internet for names and came across that. I simply liked it,” the former redhead explained while he kept stroking over the cats head until it purred loudly. But other than that Enki sat completely still, emerald green eyes staying fixed on Dies guest.

“I see. It fits him, you know? The way he’s staring at me makes me believe he’s indeed got some godly powers that will make me turn to dust in a minute.” It almost made goose bumps rise up on the older male’s skin.  
“I wouldn’t worry about that. He’s basically just curious. And of course he wants to make sure he gets all the attention for a little while.” Die smiled before setting the animal down onto the floor again so it could leave the kitchen or check Kaoru out some more or whatever came to its mind.

“So, what are your plans for today?” he asked afterwards and rested both elbows on the table, bridging his fingers together and propping his chin lightly on them.  
“Oh, nothing special, really. I just need to drop by at the studio later and get some papers and that’s about it. What about you?” It was weird, talking to Die about band related stuff and if he was being honest, he really didn’t want to go into detail with that. He didn’t want any more damage to be done to their fragile bond of whatever it was. 

“Nope, no plans. I’ll just enjoy my free weekend, maybe go to the gym tomorrow.”  
“I’ve noticed you gained some muscle. It looks good.”  
“Thanks.”

There was an indefinable glimmer in Dies eyes and his lips quirked upwards, just for a split second. Kaoru nearly convinced himself to have imagined it. Right afterwards Die raised his voice once more and the smaller male felt the blood drain from his face.

“Say, are you guys still at the same studio?”

What was he supposed to say? What kind of answer was okay? Wasn’t the blonde torturing himself with this? Kaoru considered not to reply, but the longer he looked at his ex-boyfriend… it really felt like he owed him an answer. Hesitantly he nodded.

“Yeah. It looks exactly the same, nothing’s changed.” They even kept one of Dies guitars. The former redhead hadn’t bothered with taking it with him four years ago, hadn’t bothered with fetching it at a later time and now it still stood on its stand in the corner of their rehearsal room. Kaoru wouldn’t touch it. He did not dare.  
“We’ll be stuck in there for the next two weeks. Then we’re heading on a tour across Japan. Nothing big, just 6 or 7 shows.” He explained further and made a dismissive hand gesture.

“That’s good, no? Getting around, visiting places, doing lives. I’ve always loved that.” Die sounded thoughtful as he grabbed for his mug again.  
“Mhh, me too,” Kaoru hummed.  
“I miss it.” The words hung in the air like a dark cloud, heavy with rain.  
“You shouldn’t have left the band.”  
“Yeah, just like you shouldn’t have left me. I couldn’t stay, Kaoru. I couldn’t even stand looking at you.”  
“We could have figured something out, the five of us.”  
Die snorted.  
“I’m sure you would have figured something out for the band.”

He knew the former redhead was right. Kaoru surely would have figured something out for their band, but he would have not been able to figure something out for them, for Die.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t as strong as you would’ve liked me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t go on. I’m sorry I… couldn’t quench all those damn feelings. I know I kinda destroyed the band and I’m sorry for that too. I…”

“You didn’t,” the leader interrupted sharply because he couldn’t stand it anymore. He felt a sharp pain slide between his ribs. Yes, he knew all about that kind of guilt. Guilt that turned into a festering, putrid tumour, eating at his very bones.  
“Back then… I was so fucking mad at you I wanted to slap you. For leaving us. For leaving me. I know I broke it off with you, but I found comfort in the thought that I could still see you at work, that I could still look at you from afar, that I could still be a part of your life. But you left and took away that chance and God, did I hate you. Until I understood why you did it. You’re not weak. I wouldn’t have had the guts to do what you did.”

He sighed heavily and got up, walking around the table so he could sit next to the other man. His hands reached out for Die and the blonde automatically leaned in, letting himself be pulled into Kaorus arms and allowing him to plant several kisses on top of his head.  
“I have to apologize, for taking away your dreams and the things you loved,” the older male whispered into Dies hair and felt him shake his head.

“I didn’t mean to come back to this topic. It’s like a dark shadow, following us around and… Why are we even apologizing? It won’t bring back the past four years and it certainly won’t change how things went. God, why did you have to come back? After all this time. I could at least pretend I moved on; until you showed up again.”

“Die, I … Fuck, I miss you. I missed you all those years. I know it was a selfish thing to do, contacting you. But after witnessing Toshiya talking to you I just… I don’t know… lost control? I still can’t accept the fact of never being a part of your life again.”

“But you already are, asshole. Can’t you see it? I couldn’t turn down our first meeting, I couldn’t fucking keep my hands off you on our third. Just like I couldn’t today, and I know you couldn’t either. In the end neither of us moved on. You always were a part of my life; you will always be. I just can’t stop…”

For a heartbeat Die paused, took a deep breath and buried his fingers into Kaorus shirt, holding tightly onto it as if the other man would vanish any second if he didn’t.

“…loving you.”


	8. Won't you please come home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about this ┐(´д｀)┌  
I had this chapter ready like... two months ago? Edited the shit out of it, was never happy with it (am still not happy with it u_û), let it rest for weeks etc. etc. Do I have to say more? XD  
Yeah well, I guess we all have those little mindfucks, right?

Kaoru leaned against the dark wooden door which led to Dies apartment and huffed out a little sigh.  
He hadn’t seen or heard from the former redhead in weeks now, since he had first been stuck in the studio for two weeks straight and away on a tour right afterwards – just like he had told Die that he’d be pretty busy for a while on their last meeting. He had wanted to visit him somewhere between rehearsal and the band’s first concert, he had wanted it so desperately, but in the end, he couldn’t make it. Band business just did not allow him to. Kaoru had, of course, thought about texting the other man, but had disregarded that thought as soon as it came. What if Die didn’t want to be contacted? What if he got mad at him again?

Hell, all those insecurities and doubts made things so complicated. 

All those insecurities and doubts were getting so exhausting. 

Still… he could not stay away from the blonde.

So now, almost 40 days after seeing Die for the last time Kaoru stood here, right in front of the former guitarists flat and counted the hours, counted the minutes, lost track of time somewhere in between and then started to count anew. He couldn’t really tell for how long he had been there, but what he knew was that he never experienced yearning like this, so strong it threatened to consume him. A tortured sigh slipped past his lips and just as the thought of giving up and coming back tomorrow crossed his mind, Die finally showed up, coming to a halt right in front of him and raising his brows in question.

“What are you doing here? It’s one in the morning. Aren’t you supposed to be home in bed or something?” he asked slightly baffled, wondering what would possibly motivate Kaoru to turn up at his door in the middle of the night. Let alone wait for him to come home – which of course the former redhead didn’t know and the smaller male would never admit as this was just too embarrassing. He was already feeling enough like some crazy lunatic.

“You know, if I had been home, I still wouldn’t have opened the door at this hour. I would have probably gotten a knife from the kitchen just in case someone would have wanted to break into my apartment or something like that. Call me paranoid, but you never know, right?” he added and rummaged for his keys inside his bag while Kaoru just stood there and took in the sight of his ex-boyfriend, took in the sight of his skin tight, ripped tights, tiny leather shorts and black shirt. Took in the sight of that pretty silk scarf around his neck and heavy make up on his face. Was that bloodred lipstick on his lips?

“You look like a woman,” he commented a little bemused, ignoring Dies complaints about showing up at the most inopportune moment one could think of. He could still send him away, right? If it bothered him too much. But he secretly hoped the other wouldn’t. Instead, all he got as an answer was a little laugh before the blonde handed him his keys, expecting Kaoru to open the door as he couldn’t reach the keyhole himself because the smaller male was currently blocking the way. 

For a second the guitarists gaze settled on the silver item, question already on the tip of his tongue if Die was sure to trust him with such a valuable object, the access to his private life. Then he quickly decided against it. No, that topic was better left unsaid and would remain as thoughts in the leader’s head because they would’ve again caused unpleasantness if said aloud.

With a wry smile and a soft nod he silently took the keys, turned around and quickly unlocked the wooden door to the blonde’s realm. They entered quietly, not saying a single word and only when the door clicked shut behind them did Die dare to raise his voice to ask about Kaorus whereabouts.

“So? What brings you here? Aren’t you guys still touring? I mean, I don’t know your schedule, but I do remember you said something about a tour the last time we met,” the former redhead began nonchalantly and brushed away a stray strand of hair from his face before it could get stuck on his red painted lips. Kaorus eyes followed the gesture, followed that blond strand, that was not allowed to fall out of place and right afterwards they settled back onto Dies mouth – onto Dies sinful mouth, that could do so much more than merely talk. He briefly wondered why the other wore what he wore, what all this make up was about and just a second later inwardly rolled his eyes at himself, because wasn’t it obvious? He could very well imagine why the blonde was dressed up like that. 

“Would you please stop staring at me? It’s not the first time you see me wearing lipstick, do you? I looked like a girl most of the time back then. When we were still wearing those crazy costumes and stuff,” Die sharply interrupted his musings after a moment, brows knitting together in irritation. He leaned his back against the corridor wall and crossed his arms over his chest. An expectant look was thrown at the smaller male next, who reacted with a little shrug.

“Maybe. But that was different. I mean… is this something a client requests from you?” People were surely strange, had the weirdest wishes. 

“What do you think, Kaoru? Yes. So what? He asks for it, he pays for it, I do it. He gets his kicks from it and I don’t fucking mind.

“Do you fuck him?” 

He didn’t dare to ask if Die had fucked that guy tonight. He didn’t know if he could handle that answer. Hell, he didn’t know if he could handle what the blonde would say to the question he had dared to ask. And he didn't even know why he had asked it in the first place. It just blurted out of him.

“Why are you torturing yourself with that?” 

The taller male tilted his head, staring intensely at his former bandmate, eyes drilling a hole into his very soul. A spark of sadness flitted through them or was it something else, something deeper? It was hard to put his finger on. The older male shrugged once more and then, just like that, because he couldn’t take it anymore, because this situation got more and more unbearable, stepped up to Die until he was right in front of him and propped his forearm against the wall next to his head. Slowly he leaned in, let his lips brush the others cheek for a split second and he revelled in that feeling, no matter how brief their contact had been.

“Maybe that’s what I deserve,” he breathed into the others ear and felt him wrap his arms around him not a second later. Kaoru yielded to the warm, strong hug, his frame molding against Dies.

“Bullshit.” The former redhead’s objection rang in his ears as lips met lips in a passionate kiss. 

Die tasted like a mix of some sweet cocktail and lipstick and the smaller male loved everything about it. He didn’t give a rats ass if he would have red painted on his own lips when their kiss would end, if it would have been smeared all around their mouths. Right now, he enjoyed how heat rose from his stomach to his chest. He enjoyed how Dies arms tightened around him, pulling him in and how he simultaneously pushed off the wall and pressed against his smaller frame. Kaoru parted his lips invitingly, teasingly and when Die followed his silent request, tongue sliding into his mouth, good God, that touch nearly silenced each and every thought inside his head. His heart decided to skip a beat and his whole body tingled with the sensations the other evoked in him. There was a sound from the back of Dies throat, half growl, half moan and Kaoru answered with his own pleased, little sigh. Time had stopped right there, as they stood glued to one another. No one else existed, just them and the rush of emotions crawling across their bodies. 

It was maddening. Scary. Insane. Thrilling. And it felt so good.

By the time Kaoru became aware of his hands, they had already slipped under the blonde’s shirt, his skin smooth under his fingers. Little shivers of pleasure rippled through Dies body, which encouraged Kaoru to become a little bolder and rake his short nails gently along the others back. He heard another moan and then his mouth was claimed again, more hungry and more intense. It felt nearly forbidden, like sin itself. They couldn’t get enough. They were devouring one another, drowning in each other.

“I’ve never wanted someone so violently. Ever,” Kaoru whispered when their kiss ended after what felt like an eternity. Die sighed, warm breath skirting down the side of the smaller male’s neck.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, his voice so low it sent tremors through Kaorus brain and all the way down to his toes.

“I… don’t know. What do you expect me to say, Die? Being with you feels good, touching you, kissing you, but it also hurts. You feel the same, don’t you? You can’t deny that, do you? I have never loved anyone like I love you and I don’t want to do this wrong again. Hell, I don’t even know what “this” is. I’m fucking scared, okay? Of asking you for another chance, of being rejected, of fucking things up.”

“You weren’t fucking scared when you waltzed back into my life after four years and bombarded your way through the wall I had built around my heart,” Die deadpanned while nudging Kaorus upper arm with his fist non too gently, but not exactly hard either.

“Oh, you have no idea. I was literally terrified,” the smaller male replied, reaching for the former redheads hand and linking their fingers together. Dies hand felt cold in his own, but his grip was strong and before Kaoru could register what was happening, he was being pulled away from the hallway. Die took him to the bathroom and pressed him up against the sink before reaching for some wet wipes to rid himself and Kaoru of all the lipstick, which was smeared around their mouths. 

“I can’t keep up a serious conversation with us looking like a bunch of morons. Shit, that stuff is everywhere on your face, how did you do that?” the blonde explained and rubbed at a rather stubborn, red stain on Kaorus cheek. When he was finally done, he lowered his arm and cracked a little smile.

“There, that’s better.”

“Thanks,” the leader murmured, looking up to the younger man and letting himself get lost in his chocolate gaze. 

“You should ask, you know? Not now, not tomorrow, but you should finally stop being a coward. You know as well as I do that we can’t go on like this. Things like they are now are bound to fail sooner or later,” Die muttered and his tone was edged with husky authority. 

“What do _you_ want then? I know I don’t want to stop what we have going on. I want to take this further, but I don’t know what you want. Would you agree? Just like that? If I’d ask you to give it another try?”

“I don’t know. I just… don’t.” The blonde shrugged and Kaoru responded with a deep sigh.

“I thought so.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

The guitarist leaned forward, resting his chin on Dies shoulder and instantly felt long arms come around his middle, pulling him into a tight hug, searching for warmth and comfort and simultaneously offering the same to Kaoru.

“I’m scared. Just like you, I’m fucking scared,” he silently admitted and the leader could do nothing more than to press that tall, slender body tightly against his own, fingers tangling in blond silk as he rubbed gentle circles over the younger males back.

“I know.”

They were both so powerless, so caught up in their fear and Kaoru wished, wished so goddamn much, that he could take away that fear and promise things would work out. But he couldn’t and it almost tore his heart apart. 

He placed a little kiss onto Dies cheek, slowly raising his gaze to find the blonde watching him silently.

“Will you stay? I mean… overnight?” 

The guitarist gave a curt nod and smiled. His right hand came up to brush his thumb over the blonde's bottom lip.

“If you have a spare toothbrush to offer?” he then asked. His voice even carried a joking undertone and at first he heard the former redhead laugh, then sigh in relief as the tension between them seemed to slowly subside with that playful question.

“I actually do. If that’s everything what’s needed to make you stay.”

“Welllll…” Kaoru feigned thoughtfulness and grinned smugly at the other man, who in turn gave an amused snort while already reaching for and opening the bathroom cabinet to fetch the promised toothbrush for the bandleader.

When they finally laid in bed about half an hour later, pressed against each other in no more than their underwear, feeling skin on skin with Die lying on his side and Kaoru attached to his back, one arm wrapped around his middle and their fingers intertwined, did the former redhead clear his throat to voice out his thoughts.

“If we ever try this again, we have to be sure that this time it’s gonna work out. It has to work out because I don’t think I could handle going through another breakup.”

“We wouldn’t fail, we’d work hard, we’d listen more, we’d learn, we’d grow. I’d never let you go again,” Kaoru said firmly, giving Dies hand a squeeze, wanting to give him some kind of safety, some kind of reassurance. He brushed his lips along the spot where shoulder met neck before silence finally fell over them and one by one they fell into a deep slumber, both of them too tired to keep talking, too tired to keep thinking and too comfortable in each other’s embrace. Tonight, they wanted to dream about new beginnings and a future together.


End file.
